Lindsey

Go BIG or go HOME?

2011-03-14T19:37:00.004-04:00

AJ and I have been hoping and praying that through time and trust, God will show us how he wants us to specifically live out his love together, not only to each other, but to the world around us. How can we make a difference? How can we gear our lives to do significant, kingdom works?

Growing up, and especially in my adult life, I've heard several different perspectives, both Biblical, about living out a life that "runs and finishes the race." One message is that of radical trust. Seeking to do big things that are out of the norm, requiring much sacrifice, and great trust in God to come through. I'm sure you've heard it: something like- "Pray for things that only God can do." or "God equips the called, he doesn't call the equipped." This idea would really ring strong in my ear during times of missional service, conferences or seminars, or while reading an article which broadened my world view or awareness. My heart strings were pulled. I'd see examples of people using their creativities, or just a dream, and plunging into uncertain situations with nothing trumping their surrender. I would think, "I can't live my life without finding one of these causes and doing something about it. These people get it. I want to get it, and not lose sight.

There's also the semi-opposite perspective. It is one of steadfast endurance and submission to the Lordship of Christ in daily situations and relationships. Seeking to make an impact in the "mission field" around you. Seeking the humility of day-to-day opportunities to serve and respond, rather than the "platform" of a rare and noteworthy way of life. I've heard people say that this best models the ministry of Jesus as a whole. Maybe the big and radical thing is more the Potter trying to make His clay soft; to make us do something rather than nothing. Who knows.

We visited a church last week where local and North American missions were being emphasized throughout the service. Statistics and ideas were being shared. Several video testimonies were shown of young couples who had decided to invest in local causes, specifically local orphan adoption and another couple, foster parenting. Both couples shared that after much prayer, this was the way God was leading them to build the kingdom in "East Cobb." I was encouraged because this seemed like a perfect balance of the big and small. It's a pretty BIG thing to adopt a child, locally or internationally. It's also crazy big to begin to foster parent without children of your own. But it's SMALL in this way: they didn't start a business, or a non-profit. They didn't sell all they had to go to a new place. They found a system (in reference to foster parenting) that is full of opportunity. A broken system sometimes, but a system set up to achieve a great purpose. And they joined it. They are going to love and keep children and raise them up in the training of the Lord. Super cool.

Even though the speaker at this church left us with the "do BIG things, or your life won't be remembered" spill, I left with a heart that just wants to be willing. A little confused on which side I lean on? Yes. Curious as to which type of picture my life will paint? Sure. But I talked to my heart: I don't have to have a clear picture of how we will impact the kingdom as a couple, a family. I do want to pray a willing prayer on a regular basis. I want to be ready for God. I so don't want to miss what He is doing!

Polar Express Analogy

2010-12-30T15:24:00.005-05:00

Polar Express is one of our favorite Christmas movies. I got to watch it again at school this year on Polar Express day, and I realized some neat parallels between the Santa character and Christ. That alone may sound cheesy if you know someone who is constantly making spiritual parallels and stretching situations just to do so. But for me, it doesn't happen as often as for some. I have to pray for God to reveal himself to me in day to day situations. It's just one of those things. So I got excited when I started putting some pieces together. :)

The scene that got me thinking was when the boy (nameless), after being skeptical and full of questions, decided to simply believe in Santa. Up to this point in the movie, he hadn't tried to pretend to believe. He stayed fairly quiet and soaked up everything he saw on his "journey" that started with the train ride. In this moment, though, he had seen enough, and wanted to experience what the others got to experience-- hearing the bells and getting to see and interact with Santa. He saw a bell on the ground, picked it up, closed his eyes tightly, and said, "I believe." At that moment, the scene jumps to Santa, who all of a sudden, in the middle of the noise of the elves and the music, seems to hear what the boy says. He makes his way through the crowd, and approaches the boy from behind. Meanwhile, the boy discovered that he could now hear the bell when he shook it. As he stilled his bell, he saw the reflection of Santa's smiling face behind him. From that moment, Santa reached out to the boy specifically. He had the elves escort him to the sleigh in celebration. He sat with the boy on the sleigh and asked him what he wanted for Christmas, and then sent him on his way with the conductor and the other children on the train. In response to a small step of faith, Santa pursued the boy and welcomed him into his world. He communicated with the boy. Both this, and hearing the bell, affirmed the boy's step of faith.

At this point in the movie, I was wishing Santa would have let the boy stay on the sleigh, so he could enjoy the ride, which would make for a good parallel for Christ being with us here on earth until we meet him in heaven. The crazy "ride" of the Christian life of trusting God and letting him lead us in the midst of tragedy, uncertainty, and disbelief.

But Santa leaves the boy in the trusted care of the conductor to take him home. The conductor, as each child boarded the train to go home, punched a word in each of their tickets- something that they could either improve in-- "Humility", or something they were good, "Leadership" was the little girl's word. Or something they could grow in or do more of-- "Believe" was the little boy's word.

It seems as though the conductor is sort of acting like the role of the Holy Spirit. He lead the boy to Santa, just like the Holy Spirit leads us to Jesus- not only in our initial realizations that lead to accepting and believing, but over and over when we run from Him and try to live self-reliantly. The conductor also didn't answer every question directly. No explanation needed there. :) And when he took the boy home from his journey, he encouraged him specifically. He affirmed some, and convicted others, according to what they needed at that time. This is exactly what the Holy Spirit does for us. One experience shared by others in the body of Christ can teach many unique lessons, personal lessons and encouragements from God to remind us that we are known and cared for.

When the boy returns to his house, he opens a special gift on Christmas morning. It is the bell which he lost at some point during his interactions with Santa during the night. This gift reassured him that Santa was real and he wanted the boy to continue to believe. Just like this, the Lord gives us little reminders that He is still real and alive in the middle of a world where disbelief and mockery are more popular than faith and discipleship. Specific conversations with other believers, tears shared over a common struggle, scripture brining peace to a situation. These are all our little gifts from God to keep trusting Him.

All of this happened for me while sitting in a squatty student chair in the middle of a 1st grade classroom. It was one of God's ways of receiving glory in the middle of the season which so easily gets clouded and busy before our intentions of stopping to adore Him first can become realities.

I hope for more of these little analogies throughout my days. It's quite refreshing, and definitely a gift from above.

Extremes

2010-04-21T20:08:00.004-04:00

I've been able to take some time this week in the middle of wedding planning to do some leisure reading, and it has done my mind and heart good. (I sat in on a video bible study recently where the point was made that if our minds aren't engaged, they become bored, and are more likely to think sinfully, or turn small things big, being destructive to ourselves and those around us. Great point. I want to keep my mind active.)

In reading some challenging articles in Relevant, and humorous paragraphs from Stuff Christians Like, I began to think about how often we live in "extremes" to avoid being perceived as whatever it is we don't want to be. I'm pretty passionate about noticing when people go to the "extreme" because I feel like deep down, it is a fear issue, and a crowd-pleasing issue. I'm also passionate about it because it is personal to me. I have a tendency to BE this pleaser, this person who has, many times, tried super hard to not be "seen" as one way by going the total opposite way. These thoughts are not to criticize as much as they are to question why and ponder the effects of this "image preserving" strategy.

The crowd could be your fellow church-goers, the person you want to notice you as a pursuable mate, or any number of people or people groups whose approval you seek. Here are some personal examples, and then some spiritual/church culture examples.

Personal

You don't want to be seen as needy, so you put up walls and don't know how to depend on someone.
You don't want to seem bossy, so you over-apologize in case someone has been pushed around a little too much by someone that day.
You don't want to seem inconsiderate, so you verbalize total willingness to rearrange your plans to accommodate someone else when they are the ones who can't keep their plans.
You don't want to seem thoughtless or passionless, so you engage often in intense conversation about current topics (but don't plan to do anything about your strong opinion.)

(Honest insert: I'm pretty aware that these fears come from the fact that when people do these things to me, I judge them and think wrongly of them, so to avoid those judgments from others, I run hard from what I quickly judge. One thing I've learned about myself is that being a pleaser stems from being a judger. To say I am a pleaser is a nice way of saying I am a manipulator of reactions perceptions so people don't have room to be as critical as I typically am.)

Church Culture

Don't want an empty salvation prayer, so you do away with altar-calls or invitations all together.
Don't want the worship of your congregation to be strictly emotional (lacking in truth or conviction), so you keep the drums light, the hymns frequent, and words like "Hillsong" or "lights" or "new song" make you cringe.
Don't want to be a distraction in worship, so the thought of allowing our body to reflect our heart's response to God is so squashed (through extreme/cautious upbringing) that lifting a hand actually DOES seem intentional rather than a response because of how stifled you've been.

(It's the debate: How would we worship in Spirit and truth if there were no limitations or expectations put on us from day 1 until now? Aside from heaven, I don't think we'll ever know. Would we be MORE weepy by nature if emotion wasn't so criticized and viewed as a sign of immaturity or lacking spiritual disciplines? Would we dance freely and naturally to worship music if it wasn't associated with charismatic experiences where scripture wasn't obeyed? Would we speak in scriptures and songs more often if we didn't have TV, movies, radio, i-tunes, blogs, secular self-help books, that define and decide our norm of spoken language? (That's an easy one.) Would our prayer-closet worship look different, therefor our corporate worship? Has the latter shaped the former?)

Don't want to seem cheesy in the beginning of a dating relationship, so you avoid talking about the things that matter, like boundaries, testimony, life goals, and values?
Don't want the youth group kids to lose interest or stop showing up, so you cut your teaching time to 8 minutes, and keep it on topics like "Friendship" and "Obeying your parents" rather than the gospel.

As I ponder on why we act this way (FEAR of being misunderstood, misrepresented, or judged, or fear of misrepresenting Jesus and the joy He gives), I can only conclude that it's a selfish, narrow-minded way of approaching the world around you. It's not leaving any room for others to make a decision based on the truth (or for God to take our efforts and flaws and turn them into His glory). It is only allowing them to make decisions or opinions based on a manipulated portrayal, which sits on a shaky hope of being taken as the thing you are acting out so diligently. :) There's so much room in the middle of it all to forget who you are, and the motive seems hardly justified.

I think the only thing that will cause people (or churches) to find the balance in the middle of the extremes is to be just as hurt or frustrated by the opposite extreme as you were from the idea of the extreme you did not want to be.

I know this because it's happened to me. It's happened through steady, intentional relationship with people who see how hard I work to not be something, that it destroys who I am in the process, and insults the way God made me, and the process he's taking me through to make me holy. It shows a huge lack of trust in God's ability to love and provide for me in my weakness.

I'm trying to let God be the potter of the clay. It's difficult. It's scary, because your clay may not look like someone else wants it to. Or like you think someone else wants it to look to approve it. But it has been and can be liberating.

What extremes are you living in, and what are their motives? How can you crack them?

when in doubt, remember well

2010-01-01T11:18:00.002-05:00

i've wanted to update my blog for a while now. my last one was written in june of 2009. lots of life has happened for me since then--many great things, many awesome and unforseen changes, and many joys that i feel are definitely worthy of expression. one of them is that i am engaged to be married to the most amazing man of God i know. :) aj and i are planning a wedding for june of this year and are so excited and thankful for God's sovereign hand in bringing us together in the special way that He did. i reckon we may start a blog for our wedding (or for our life together!) some time soon, though he is not much of a blogger. a writer, expresser, communicator? yes. an excellent one. but he doesn't feel the need to share his ponders with the world like i do. and so....we'll see how that goes. :)

so back to wanting to write. i've tried to analyze and figure out why i haven't taken time, or even had a slight urge, to blog through some of my big and joyous moments over the last six months. i've come to the conclusion that i write best, and desire to put it on paper (or on screen) way more when i am going through a trial or difficulty of some kind. the difficulty hasn't always been the topic of my writing, but it leads me to write. i think that is the only way i can explain to myself why i haven't written in some more recent times. not that there aren't challenges placed before me during these times: they're there.....but not the kind that cause my heart to need a release.

switching gears a little bit (but it all relates in my mind, because i'm true to the stereotype of a 'all things run together like spaghetti' woman), i like that i can look back through my journals and blogs and be reminded of what God was teaching me and how He was changing me. i was listening to a sermon online this morning by Brent @ In Focus Church and his main point was how important it is to REMEMBER the things God has done, and specific things about who He is, to carry us through difficult times when we may easily feel tossed by the wind, confused by emotion, mislead by "signs" and assumptions, or just plain discouraged and down. i find myself sometimes quickly forgetting the specific workings of God's spirit in my life, the specific ways He showed His faithfulness during a time of doubt, and i like Brent's challenge to actively remember God and remember truths about him to keep us grounded in what's important when we think through decisions or respond to hardships.

as 2010 begins, i want to actively remember God and His unwavering friendship and guidance in my life.
i may or may not blog about what i'm going through, or what i'm learning throughout this year. i'm not sure why i actually buckled down today to even write this one, but we'll see.

i am ok with not having a plan. :)

illusion

2009-06-23T16:59:00.003-04:00

Lately I've noticed how much our culture (or maybe just those who are around 30 and under) is content with the illusion of company. For instance, I'm bored sitting at home by myself, so I decide to twitter and let the world know what I'm doing or thinking. All 40 of them. :) Or I'm waiting at a doctor's office, and I'm not interested in flipping through magazines. So I get online on my phone, read an email, read a blog, check my facebook notifications, text a few people I haven't heard from in a few hours, and I feel a little more content with the time I've had to wait. As if I've spent my time actually interacting with someone.

But the truth is, I have not. I have only been occupied (not interacting) with something that is not alive, breathing, emotional, feeling, or loving. I have allowed its substitute, a mere representation of a person (if on a social network) to be enough. And I have allowed the exposure and expression of my own self to take the place of real scheduled encounters with people I call friends.

Is there a healthy guilt that should come with recognizing this substitution? I think so. We all like to find justifications for it, claiming that we spend as much time on the phone or in person with those who really matter to us as we would without these networks, but I'm not sure that is true. I'm pretty sure my phone would be ringing more, or I would be calling people way more to find out about their lives, if the world wide web didn't already provide us such an easy way to stalk people and stay in-the-know, without them ever knowing.

I like how Brent makes points and gives truths in his sermons by saying what things are NOT, and then what they ARE. So I'm going to list things that are NOT company, they are only an illusion. Just something to occupy our time. Think about how often we are tricked.

Things that don't make great company (how rude):

Facebook
Twitter
Twitpics
Blogs
Myspace
Texts

Things that make great company:

People

far from home

2009-06-21T17:15:00.002-04:00

Lately my heart has been comforted by the fact that this earth is not my home. We know it, we sing about heaven, but I know I'm one of the ones who doesn't usually live like it. My heart typically responds more passionately to the things that I will be leaving behind instead of the One I will be with forever. And I have been challenged lately to reverse this way of responding to life and to circumstances.

I wanted to post some lyrics to two songs that have spoken true of this fact: that our existence on earth will not ever be fully resolved, and that is how it is meant to be. 1 Peter 2:11 refers to us as "aliens and strangers in the world". On days where I have felt a longing for more, a discontent with the way I am, or the way sin affects our existence, I have embraced this part of God's plan, with these lyrics helping me.

If I find in myself
Desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude
That I, I was not made for here

If the flesh that I fight
Is at best only light and momentary,
Then of course I'll feel nude
When to where I'm destined I'm compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
As I wait for hope to come for me

C.S. Lewis Song by Brooke Fraser

Soon and very soon my King is coming
Robed in righteousness and crowned with love
When I see Him I shall be made like Him
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon I"ll be going
To the place He has prepared for me
There my sin erased, my shame forgotten
Soon and very soon

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul will be satisfied
Soon and very soon

Soon by Hillsong United

how far i haven't come

2009-06-12T15:16:00.008-04:00

i realized, recently, that much of my spiritual turmoil, 99% of the time, can be traced back to eve and the original sin.

reluctance, fear, impatience, hesitation, and manipulation are things (i've started to notice) i portray when it comes to my response or approach to God and decisions that present themselves to me. big and small. i also portray these things in relationships around me and as it is being revealed to me, i relate to our first lady.

these things are all rooted in sin. the very sin eve committed: wanting to KNOW. eve wanted to know good and evil. she thought that knowing these things would make her like God in her knowledge.

i'm not sure i consciously have thoughts of wanting to be like God (in the way eve did), but i definitely am way too driven by thoughts of wanting to know. wanting to know... WHEN? WHY? WHO? HOW? WHAT DO I NEED TO DO? HOW CAN I HELP?

the frequency in which these questions arise demonstrates that at least part of me thinks that God needs my help. that i need to be in charge. and if i'm not in charge, i somehow am driven by the desire to at least know something until i can be in charge. sick.

God has been teaching me submission lately. that it really is part of His plan for me to never fully know His plan! sometimes it's painful to see areas where i am the most weak, and need the most help, and this is one of them. i can't submit to friends, family, authority, wisdom, and a future spouse, if i am not actively submitting to God in my daily worries, decisions, and aspirations. roof off (me and God). walls down (me and others).

it's no coincidence that Brent preached Sunday on the topic of "the art of waiting." it was so timely and convicting. as i aspire to be more purposeful (and less anxious) in waiting, i know that God will continue to guide me and give me humility to submit and trust.

God's workmanship

2009-05-18T17:36:00.010-04:00

i was talking to a friend today who said there was joy and contentment in my voice.

my response was yes, there is. hallelujurr! (in madea's words)... God is good like that. He gives us days that are light. days when the burdens of yesterday aren't so heavy, and the glass is half full rather than half empty. i love that about Him. it is the gentle Lamb allowing us to trust and rely on His Lion characteristics. just when i think life has become too intense, or that i have become too stuck in my ways or foolish thinking, He lifts me up and out of my "pits", sometimes flesh pits, sometimes just pits made out of my own boredom or self pity....and He sets my feet upon a rock, a solid place, of rest and reassurance.

sometimes, i think i take myself, other people, life, or ministry too seriously. on heavy days, i can quickly become anxious and untrusting because of my determination and self-reliance. they make me too serious because i feel i have the power or responsibility to fix or control every problem. it's so funny to think about, really. i sometimes think...."and WHO ever told you to bear the weight of the world?? really?..." yes. yes, i know.

on other days, even the light ones, i realize that while i can be a bit intense, it doesn't change the fact that people are, in fact, very important and complex creatures and do require most of our time, attention, affection, grace, and way too many other things to take lightly without study or concern or attention to detail. without LOVE.

i read an article yesterday in "relevant" that confirmed this thought. i will end with a section of it-with the comforting thought in mind that God gives us the tools to love people and do all we can to make a difference to those around us, and to come out of our own pits to do so, if we can allow ourselves to trust Him first.

people will say, "we shouldn't take ourselves so seriously," which to some extent is true. but it's also important to remember, as the ever-direct (but occasionally ironic) C.S. Lewis famously noted: "There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal." existence is inescapably serious. as stupid as people can be, and as silly as this world sometimes seems, we cannot forsake the truth that people are holy beings who will eternally exist- for better or worse. if our generation will realize this- that not everything can be made light of and that irony has its limits- perhaps there is hope for us yet. -brett mccracken

moments later

2009-05-07T13:47:00.004-04:00

i have seen lately how manipulative and intentional the enemy can be in the life of a Christ follower.
i have felt him, observed his ways. they are tricky, painful, and exhausting. i am in a battle and i think for the first time in my life, i realize the full need to armor up. it is clear to me that if i don't, i will quickly and pathetically be swallowed by defeat.

for me, he makes his playground in my mind.

he knows how to ruin me, not even days....moments sometimes...after i resolve to think differently. to take every thought captive and make it obedient. for instance...

i resolve to believe the truth and dismiss the lies; he enables me to relive and replay scenes in my mind that pull me into negativity and critical thinking-- failures, pasts, statistics, what if?s...

i resolve to trust God more; the enemy reminds me of all the reasons to be skeptical, cautious, and to resort to what I know

i resolve to wait; the enemy tells me that no decision IS a decision and that i am disobeying if i'm not making one

i resolve to rest; the enemy shows me all of my commitments and pursuits and laughs in my face

i resolve to follow God, even in the risk; satan reminds me that the safe places feel good, and are a lot less lonely

for these reasons, with my resolve and my determination, i absolutely MUST spend the moments that follow, and the rest of my LIFE, re-submitting to God, re-trusting Him for power, and renewing my mind with the beautiful truth of His word and who He is. i also must re-think the level of difficulty, and the amount of strength i thought it might not require....ha. thank you, satan, for reminding me how quickly i must hasten to my God to supply all of my needs. when i recognize you again, may i be quicker. and the next time, quicker.

shout out

2009-05-05T12:00:00.006-04:00

I found this monthly post by Leslie Ludy on her site, Set Apart Girl.

It challenged and reminded me of the urgency I want to feel when it comes to spending time with God. Hope it spurs you on to pick up your pace as we chase our Father, the "Wild Goose" who never stops! :)

Spiritual Determination by Leslie Ludy

In some of my books, I’ve mentioned how I love to listen to Scripture on my IPOD–while I’m driving, cleaning, or waiting for an appointment. This week as I was cleaning out my closet (part of the whole “nesting” instinct, since I have another baby coming in a few weeks!) I was listening to the book of Mark, and heard the story of the sick man who’s friends were so determined to get him to Jesus that they climbed up onto the roof and let his bed down through the ceiling:

And when they could not come near Him because of the crowd, they uncovered the roof where He was. So when they had broken through, they let down the bed on which the paralytic was lying. (Mark 2:4)

When Jesus saw their faith, he forgave the man’s sins and healed him from his sickness. They knew that Jesus was the only one who could help their friend. So they loaded him onto a bed and brought him to the place where Jesus was. When they saw that it was impossible to get to Jesus because of the crowds, they didn’t turn back and say, “Oh well, at least we tried.” They refused to give in to defeat. They were willing go to any and all means to remove the obstacles keeping them from laying their sick friend at Christ’s feet. This is the kind of dogged faith and spiritual determination that God responds to. Their determination and commitment yielded great rewards.

This story convicted and challenged me in a whole new way as I heard it. How many times do we allow the “crowds” to keep us from laying our cares at Jesus’ feet? Without Him, we can do nothing – He is the one who has everything we need for life and godliness. But how often to we allow circumstances, busyness and distractions to keep us from Him? The past few weeks, my life has been exceptionally full with travel, deadlines, household projects and of course caring for three little munchkins under the age of four! During busy seasons, it’s all too easy to make a half-hearted attempt to guard my time in God’s presence – rather than being willing to do whatever it takes to come and kneel at Jesus’ feet. Andrew Bonar once said,

O brothers and sisters, pray; in spite of Satan, pray; spend hours in prayer; rather neglect friends than not pray; rather fast, and lose breakfast, dinner, tea, and supper – and sleep too – than not pray. And we must not talk about prayer, we must pray in right earnest. The Lord is near. He comes softly while the virgins slumber.

Are we willing to lose sleep, food, productivity, social status, and “down time” in order to come before our Lord every day and make Him the highest priority of our life? Do we have a spiritual determination that says, “no obstacle will keep me from my King – even if I must go to the rooftop and break through the house tiles to get to Him!”? Or do we make half-hearted attempts to spend time in prayer, and when distractions arise say, “Oh well, at least I tried.” God has been challenging me on this point at a whole new level. I have realized afresh that I must allow nothing to become an excuse to keep me from Him.

Whenever I catch myself saying, “Well, I didn’t get much sleep last night and I’m 7 months pregnant, so I probably should just have a short quiet time and call it good,” that’s when I know that my spiritual determination has weakened, that I’ve allowed the cares of this world to creep in and keep me from my King. May we never be content with a paltry, half-hearted spiritual life or say, “once I’m done with this busy time, I’ll get back to true prayer.” Rather, let us doggedly, determinedly remove any and every obstacle that keeps us from coming to Him daily, spending hours in His presence, and receiving everything we need for life and godliness!

Monday, April 27, 2009

praises

2009-04-28T10:34:00.002-04:00

praise God for:

His undeniable leadership

my job for next year!

the book "Wild Goose Chase" by Mark Batterson that has changed and is changing my life

my church, In Focus

roommates with big hearts and love for God and me

rest

friends who challenge the way I live and respond

conviction

sunshine

colors

smiles and new chances

faith rage

2009-04-17T18:30:00.011-04:00

faith rage= faith like road rage

i think i have it.
i woke up from a nap today with this analogy in my head.
probably because lately, i've wrestled with the seemingly contrasting ideas of waiting on God and responding to God.
what if my response to God is just to wait on Him?

here's why it's difficult: as someone who has impatience running thick through her blood, paired with terrible road rage when it comes to being at the mercy of traffic jams, i can't help but think my faith has suffered from these traits.

i'm the person who has to "work" to slow down and rest.
so i'm also a christian who has to actively pursue the wait.
it is difficult for someone like me who likes to seek certainty in something and then respond by moving forward or moving on. sometimes i feel a decisive response is necessary when things are most uncertain and anxiety-causing. surely i must take action. make a decision. change the way i live and pursue God

instead of interpreting those times as God's indication to move, what if they are actually His way of getting me to stay. and wait. what makes it hard is that it requires a complete surrender of control. and i apparently do not, by nature, enjoy giving up control when i feel it isn't necessary.

on the road, i am constantly looking for ways to change my situation and get back control. can i ease out? can i take a short cut? how can i solve this problem? how can i gain back control? i think i treat God the same way sometimes.

this is a problem, but i'm glad to be wrestling with it.
the times where i am not in control of my life, and not even able to explain myself, are sometimes the best times for God to strip me, convict me, draw me, and change me. and remind me to TRUST HIM and not my theories. i'm excited that my trust can more easily be put in Jesus when i'm not the one maneuvering around like a maniac.

in the words of emmy rossum, "i need you to slow me down."

Hallelujah, King forever

2009-04-12T14:14:00.003-04:00

There's a secret I must tell
Of all the love I've found
And it's hidden in my heart
The day you tore my world apart

Hallelujah, King forever, friend and Saviour

Jesus' blood never fails me,
Jesus' blood never fails me,
Jesus' blood, Jesus' blood

And this secret, it will run
To the corners of the earth
Where every woman, every son
Will carry high their chains undone

Hallelujah, King forever, friend and Saviour

Jesus' blood never fails me,
Jesus' blood never fails me,
Jesus' blood never fails me,
Jesus' blood, Jesus' blood

Sing your songs of freedom
Praise the God of heaven
Love that never fails me
Jesus' blood, Jesus' blood

wowzer.

2009-04-02T11:57:00.004-04:00

so i think if i could compare my life to something right now...it wouldn't be the hurricane i found myself in about a year ago.

but it WOULD be a jack or jill rolling down the hill uncontrollably. limbs flailing around wildly. i'm actually ready for the slope to level out, and the roll to slow down so i can brush off the grass, leaves, and mud. so i can have a clear thought again, and start walking. :) not a dizzy, crooked walk. a semi-straight one. :)

the past few months of my life in a nutshell:

car wreck
car wreck #2 (totaled)
new (used) car purchased (made possible by the huge blessing of a gift of $1000 for my south africa trip....see www.thetrackingblog.com for the full testimony blog...)
seeing God answer prayer and provide!!! my PORTION
SOUTH AFRICA march 6-17
..........................wow.
(see karla's most recent blog)
getting back into teaching
reflecting on Africa and my heart's condition
preparing for ITBS test
summer job search
next school year job search
interviews
wedding music practice
wedding decorating
church stage set up
youth group fundraiser
birthdays
lunch dates
naps?? NO TIME FOR THAT.
laundry?? NO TIME FOR THAT.
eating right?? I WISH.
relationships?? SPORATIC.

spring break has finally arrived. i am breathing and i think i've slowed my roll. :)
i thank God for all of the amazing ways He has provided and pulled my heart in during the middle of a very busy time in my life.

while some things require "wind-down" and "preparation", i'm thankful that my worship does not. as things slow down, and as i MAKE myself slow down, i hope i can clearly see and not miss what God has for me next. He is so good and faithful.

can't wait to start writing again!

earth debates

2009-02-17T15:24:00.004-05:00

Today while I was subsituting and teaching about Pangaea and Plate Tectonics, our principal came in and assisted in a discussion about old earth vs. new earth, and how Christians have differing opinions and beliefs. She made some great points that I wanted to blog, if for no other reason than for ME to look back and remember her wisdom and knowledge...

First know that she is an "old earth" Christian and taught Science in a Christian school for many years. She also loves Jesus and finds it of most importance to present the gospel above all else. She was gentle with my students who were asking questions like, "Do you think he (Alfred Wegener...) went to hell for believing that?" She gave some very good explanations dealing with creation and whether a day was really a "day", and whether the flood really covered the entire earth, etc...

But something I did not know was this:
There is a website for the Institute of Creation Research which she said ridicules those who believe in the old earth. She said the site and the people supporting it have made rude and assuming comments towards those with different views than them.

On the contrary, the website for the opposing group, Reasons to Believe, presents its views in a way that points people to Jesus and salvation. She said that many scientists, science professors, and liberalists have come to know Christ through the ministry of this website and its presentation of the gospel.

I couldn't help but be drawn towards exploring the website that has produced obvious fruit. I'm not sure what I am, but I'm no scientist, and I'd like to have trustworthy, Christian, science-minded friends help point me towards less-ignorant responses when it comes to these matters.
Are these matters of major importance in the Christian faith? Some would say no, and others would beg to differ, saying that sometimes, they are the KEY matter in keeping certain people engaged in discussion about Jesus, and the validity of the Bible.

Dr. T also mentioned that unanswered questions are OK to have, and that one of the greatest gifts God gave us was mystery. He loves our searching and curious hearts and also loves concealing parts of Himself for the sake of the search, the mystery. She quoted a scripture that said Kings search and God conceals...I searched BibleGateway and found nothing. :) Cool idea, though. Like a parent keeping a secret from their child for the sake of a surprise, or just for the sake of the mystery.

She reminded the students that throughout life, they will encounter Christians who are afraid of unanswered questions, and will take defense when their answers are challenged. She encouraged the class to be "thinking Christians", and to be slow to respond with defense, and quick to consider the mystery of God and the occasional unanswered question.

I felt like I was the student today! I liked it. :)

sex talk at church

2009-02-04T13:06:00.002-05:00

I'm super excited about the sermon series for this month @ InFocus: Sex Talk! One of the things I am hoping and praying for during this month is that people would allow their hearts and sin to be found rather than hidden. This is something Eliza and I talked about yesterday as she wrote an article for the singles newsletter. We focused on what God wants to REPLACE our junk with...how there isn't just a removal, but a replacement, of something BETTER.

Job 11:13-16 was read by Brent to end the first message this past Sunday. READ IT. It is powerful!

Don't trade naked and unashamed for a better place to hide (Derek Webb).
Let exposure bring with it the fullness and richness of God's grace, healing, forgiveness, power, and beauty from ashes.

time

2009-01-30T13:29:00.004-05:00

how come i get REALLY angry and frustrated when i waste time sitting in traffic...

yet somehow, i am not phased when i waste hours of my day on the internet; mainly facebook, twitter, blogs, and email...?

i get upset that something beyond my control steals my time...but i am perfectly content when i am in control of my time...and how and when i use it waste it.

this is not ok, and i am ashamed at this realization.

what's more shameful is the thought: i fight for my time, but then what do i do with it when i get it?

and how hard am i fighting for my time with my Jesus?!?

DISCUSS!

orderless bits

2009-01-18T20:30:00.003-05:00

on my mind today...

it's God's kindness that leads us to repentance.
when left on our own, nine times out of ten, we don't self correct.
it is GOD'S kindness that beckons us to Him. to despise our sin and desire righteousness.
none is worthy of this kindness. not one.
it is HE alone who brings light to darkness, who overcomes evil with His good.

God wants to be ALL of Himself to me. at times, He is dominantly one or two attributes in my finite mind. i am learning lately how narrow my view is of God and the role He wants to take. i see God as teacher. as discipliner. as the one who gives and takes away. as one who withholds or allows pain to force patience and endurance, to always teach a lesson, to show how deceived or selfish i am.

He is SO MUCH MORE. PRAISE HIM. thank you Lord for being so much more. thank you for things about yourself that are at work without my awareness. "You dance over me while I am unaware." thank you that you lead me. you gently restore. you uphold. you go before me and prepare a path.

isaiah 42:16
and I will lead the blind
in a way that they do not know
in paths that they have not known
I will guide them

I will turn darkness before them into light
the rough places into level ground

these are the things I do
and I do not forsake them

philippians 1:6

...He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ.

time for some pics!

2009-01-10T13:27:00.014-05:00

here are a few from our new years party at the house.
"it's a celebration..." :)

one of my in focus friends, holley, was given a "celebrity birthday party" last night. many famous figures strolled the red carpet.
eliza was scarlett johanson and joanna was june cleaver!
stephen came as adam lavine from maroon 5.
i came as a "celebrity in disguise", but was soon being called miley. a fabulous event!

this week

2009-01-03T01:34:00.002-05:00

so. i'm definitely one of those people who, when given a break, takes a true BREAK.

this week, my car has only moved when i've ventured up to the church a few times to help out with stage set up.
i haven't shopped.
i only cleaned for a new years party.
i've basically nibbled on junk food for days in a row.
i've slept.
i've lounged in pajamas.
i've showered at the end of the afternoon rather than the beginning of the day.
i've got nothing to show for the past week except for a support letter.

i am one of those.
and i am proud of it.
it is now 1:36am and i'm only considering going to bed.
i've played the wii for the past 24 hours with my roomies.

fun times. right?! :)

information and ideas

2008-12-26T12:35:00.003-05:00

sometimes i am overwhelmed with the thought of how many people there are living on this planet. how many problems there are, people trying to help these problems, religious issues, political issues, opinions, facts, ways to get your information; media, the news, books, blogs, opinions galore. it's just a bit exhausting thinking about how small i am and how much there is for me to learn and contribute to as i grace this planet. how much potential i have, how far i have to go, when it comes to living with purpose, on purpose, and using my time and my life wisely and not selfishly.

i was reading my new issue of relevant magazine this morning (which sometimes reminds me how small i am, and how much there is to be done) and, though i've not finished it, wanted to mention two great articles i already read:

"the untold story"- p. 6- cameron strang
"the problem of pride in the age of twitter" p. 24- brett mccracken

"the untold story" applauds George W. Bush for his huge contribution to global health via the PEPFAR intitiation in Africa in 2003. cameron strang gives amazing and appropriate recognition to our soon former president for doing the right thing- not for political benefit, but because it was the right thing.

"i believe to whom much is given, much is required," -President Bush
"i believe in the universality of freedom, and i believe freedom is universal because of an almighty God." -President Bush

"the problem of pride in the age of twitter" is piercingly true and convicting to me, someone who finds herself communicating and profiling on the internet way too often. it is scary how accurate brett mccracken's analysis is on how the internet has affected our generation- making us people who want to provide information and ideas rather than absorb ones that already exist, and are worth absorbing. it's way scary.

i can't even find just one or two quotes from this article to post. i just recommend that you read the entire article. if you are not a relevant subscriber, you'll be able to read it on their site soon.

i am humbled this morning by the fact that life is precious.
people are real.
profiles are not.
problems are real.
talking about them doesn't solve them.

i am going to go clean my room now. put up my christmas gifts. pray for a balanced life. of conviction followed by action. of awareness followed by education.

i want my life to count.
but not in a way that makes ME interesting to talk to, to read about.
not in a way that makes ME glamorous.

in a way that shows i am denying myself, and humbly following Christ.
the task is big, but God is the one who is required to be big, not me.

merry christmas

2008-12-24T22:52:00.002-05:00

For a bit, I've wanted to somehow, in a witty way, refer to some of my blog visitors by their location. I was thinking tonight that telling them Merry Christmas would be an appropriate acknowledgment. Some of the locations lead me to think of an obvious person or group of people who may be reading, but some of them leave me wondering. And I know some visits are hits from links on other pages, but I know some of the hits (ehum....some of YOU...) are not just random hits. You have visited several times. I know because SITE METER tells me so. :)Please, feel free to identify yourself whenever you see fit. At least tell me Merry Christmas back or something. :)

Soo....MERRY CHRISTMAS to:

Missouri City, TX
North Augusta, SC
Oklahoma City, OK
Knoxville, TN
Fort Worth, TX
Raleigh, NC (Jenni and Paul!)
Winter Park, FL
Kennesaw, GA (Tara and Andrew! AJ!?)
Snellville, GA (Erin? Rachel?)
Statesboro, GA
Jacksonville, FL
Athens, GA
Griffin, GA
Alpharetta, GA
Daytona Beach, FL
Macon, GA (Lauren?)
Hattiesburg, MI
Evans, GA (my house?)

christmas time is here

2008-12-13T21:21:00.005-05:00

well.
we are no longer teetering on the fence, waiting to land on the side of Christmas season in full force. it is now HERE. WHEEEE.

it's weird how i anticipate this season every year, how quickly it comes, and how abruptly it always ends. there's always a battle within, reminding me not to anticipate it for reasons like good feelings. but for reasons like, Emmanuel, God with us, came to US. a beautiful proving of His love. i get emotional as i sit here and think how precious it is to have a Savior whose blood covers all sin. past, present, future. He was, is, and is to come. how glorious a hope i have in my Father. His mercy has made me free. my soul is secure and hidden in Him alone. He is the only certain thing.

as i finished my last online purchase today, and i've been crossing off my gift list, i feel Jesus saying, "slow down, yet again. i am the author and perfecter of your faith. the one who creates seasons, feelings, delightful things, joyous moments. i am the most sensational of all things you could ever know or have. enjoy me. i never end. i never end. i never leave."

during this next week, may you delight in the ONE who created you, created this earth, its joys, its sorrows, and its hopes. all for His sake. for His glory.

photo fun!

2008-12-09T23:41:00.006-05:00

so i'm no joanna, eliza, or stephen (edit master) when it comes to photography.
but i definitely stole eliza's camera for the day to take some snaps of some of my favorite people. :) here are some of my faves.

One good thing

2008-12-09T20:24:00.002-05:00

One good thing about moving (I've done it too much over the past few years) is that it forces you to uproot, to go through things, to clean up life, and to read old notes and journals. :) I found myself doing this tonight. Laughing, thinking, being reminded of my heart, prayers, and the things that overwhelmed me at times.

I found an attempt at a poem. Thought I would share. (It's one that doesn't follow the rules. Naturally. :))

Blank pages are my current state
And what feel like my eternal one
In days gone by my pages were full
Colorful, sporatic, used, revisited, shared
Sometimes I feel my pen's ink has dried
And it's for some reason my fault
I am tempted to believe that I must quickly splash something onto them
But just something?
No.
I want to carefully fill each page with beautiful colors and stories.

Can't win for snoozing

2008-11-27T00:37:00.007-05:00

In browsing through Relevant's Christmas gift guide,
I laughed out loud when I came across this nifty-narco-annihilator*: "Clocky."
This was its description:

Get out of bed on the first beep.
If you hit snooze, "Clocky" wheels away and hides,
forcing you out from under the covers.

Youtube it for some great demonstrations.

Anybody know someone who might need this? :)

*narco: blang** for narcolepsy
**blang: blog + slang, word creation props to Eliza

i LOVE christmas

2008-11-26T11:55:00.005-05:00

I like thinking about what I was doing a year ago during special times like holidays and summers. My sister asked me a few days ago if I wanted to help her decorate her house for Christmas. I was reminded of when I did this last year, and wrote a note on facebook about it (before I was a blogger). I went and read the note, and thought I would post it. A) To show what I was doing and thinking at this time LAST year, and B) To help put someone else or myself in the spirit of thankfulness and awareness.

During times like Christmas, my sense of awareness is heightened, my heart and spirit are stimulated, challenged, encouraged, affected, and I just can't help but think it is a divine thing. Here's the post. And the last paragraph is still as true now as it was a year ago.

I saw my most favoritest :) movie yesterday- August Rush. Pleease go see it if you love music and good movies. I am very impressed lately with movies and the messages they send. Other recent favorites are: Becoming Jane, The Painted Veil, Dan in Real Life.....ah! So good. See 'em all.

I am LOOOVING Christmas season! Folks say it all the time, but it really was here before I knew it! I feel behind- like I should have been listening to Christmas music back in October! I usually do! I blame it on moving- my cds are still in a box, I haven't accessed my i-tunes in over a month.

I'm watching my sister decorate her Christmas tree right now, and enjoying 98 degrees' Christmas album. Earlier, I was enjoying Mercy Me's Christmas cd....both are GREAT. :) I love this time of year and its tunes that bring back memories and give you a good feeling. Going to the mall....hanging out with friends more than normal...getting stuck in lame traffic...Starbucks Christmas flavored drinks...shiny decorations....the bells ringing outside of Wal-Mart...the excuse to bake and eat sweets limitlessly...church services with Christmas hymns...the color GREEN! My favorite....

I hope that as this season comes and passes quicker than we want, that we would allow our souls to slow down. That we would rest in the peace that Christ brought with Him to this earth, and continually offers us through a relationship with Him. I was driving to town today, and was reminded of the intimacy that God wants us to enjoy with him. We so long to be known and understood, and God wants us to realize the beautiful truth that He knows us and understands us more than anyone on this earth will. He created us and pursued us and if I could just understand that I am found in Him! :) That reminds me of the song "Found" by Hillsong:

Amazing love, now what else shall I need
Your name brings life, it's more than the air I breathe

My world was changed when your love you gave for me
My purpose found in all that you are for me

And I've found myself in you
And I've found myself in you

Take me to a place, where I can see you face to face
All I wanna do....All I wanna do is worship you

Happy Christmas season to my friends. God has blessed me to know beautiful people who are always thinking beyond themselves. I love you and I cherish the unique friendships I have with you.

just right

2008-11-19T10:01:00.003-05:00

my flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my

forever.

psalm 73:26

the eyes of all look to you,
and you give them their food at the proper time.
you open your hand and

the desires of every living thing.

psalm 145: 15-16

save me from myself, Lord

2008-11-17T10:10:00.005-05:00

my...

perfectionism
fear of making mistakes
lack of follow-through
carelessness with time
selfishness
unbelief

Curtain Call

2008-11-10T00:06:00.002-05:00

This is the title of the new sermon series at church. It started today, with an opening message called "The Ultimate Ovation". Brent did a great job presenting challenges from the life of Stephen (Acts 6 and 7), the first martyr. These challenges, taken from Stephen's life, hit me to the core...

1) Live an irreproachable life: one where people have to lie to say something bad about you. (that alone is a sermon. what a great task!)

2) Do irrefutable works: be trustworthy. blameless. do good works. acts of service. use God's abilities to bring hope and healing. real change to real lives.

3) Speak irresistable words: be wise in how you say what you say. be eloquent with purpose. through your speech, others will know your true convictions and heart. they won't have to question if you mean it.

Just these three points are a sermon and challenge I could take on for life. :)

Great job, Brent. I look forward to more.

Zoobilee Zoo

2008-11-06T21:55:00.002-05:00

Ok.
I used to watch this show on Saturday mornings when I was little. I randomly will hear the jingle in my head (not uncommon...I remember all jingles. It's sick.)

I found this clip while on youtube, actually trying to find a clip of a show I was explaining to JoAnna, Tiff, and Eliza. I didn't find the show (the one with the moving cup characters in the kitchen...I think it was an extension of Sesame Street)...but I definitley found Zoobilee Zoo!

What I didn't realize, back when I used to watch it, was how WEIRD this show was. What the world? Check out the theme song. Notice how long it lasts, too. :)

Worship

2008-11-02T18:29:00.002-05:00

I am so thankful for this FREE PIANO that sits in our house!

God "showed up" (stolen) this afternoon when I sat down to play it, even though I thought I was just going to play through a few songs to get my daily dose. Sometimes it is just emotional and overwhelming when God connects my mind with my heart in regards to the truths of Him. He did that today through a few lines as I tried to sing through them. It's sometimes the simple concepts that mean the most.

Your love is amazing, steady and unchanging

Your love is a mystery, how it gently lifts me

Your love carries me

For I am his, and He is mine

Bought with the precious blood of Christ

For the love of food

2008-10-30T11:48:00.006-04:00

I had to blog about this because I just find it SO funny! And SO sick at the same time!:)

Yesterday at work, our board members had a small "feast" set up for us in the teacher's lounge. It was a gesture of appreciation, well received. Breakfast foods, fall foods, a little bit of everything. It was a nice spread, and a surprise for us teachers as we arrived. Word got out fast- it was all people could talk about during the first hour of the day. "Did you see the food?" "Hey, make sure you go get a plate!" They were ushering each other in there- nobody had a choice. Even our principals were covering peoples' morning duties (cafeteria, car line) so that those faculty could also indulge in the delights. The common goal was to make sure nobody started out their morning without eating a plate of food! It was good food, don't get me wrong. But the excitement over it is what was so hilarious to me. I laughed on the inside because this is a trend I've definitely observed in the work place. If somebody brings food, it is quickly discovered, and quickly devoured, with no shame. People race to get their portion before it's gone. It doesn't matter if you had breakfast or not. It doesn't matter that you will be eating lunch in two hours. Nothing matters except that you EAT THE FOOD. :)

I asked myself, is it just when a bunch of WOMEN work together that food is so celebrated? Hmm. I do recall, growing up, hearing mom always say, "I'll take that to work. The ladies will eat it." This could be in reference to anything- a nasty recipe that we didn't want to eat as leftovers, a dessert that would go stale before we ate it all; anything we didn't want to keep in the house. It was like....let's feed it to the dog....wait....we don't have a dog. Rather, "I'll take it to work. The ladies will eat it." :)

Isn't this funny, and a little bit sad?

Unbeatable

2008-10-23T14:09:00.004-04:00

I was reading through some of my older blogs...(yep)...and was cracking myself up at my analysis of DeAnna, the last bachelorette on NBC's "The Bachelorette".

I mentioned that she wasn't completely wack for choosing the guys who went above and beyond to prove their love for her. She was always bent towards the one who did something extra special. Who gave an action to demonstrate his love. Now the character of the one displaying the affection.....hard to say if DeAnna valued that. But she did value the outward expression.

This got me thinking about the greatest of all demonstrations of love: Jesus paying our eternal debt through His death on the cross. Offering us abundant life if we just believe and receive His beautiful gift of salvation. LIFE. Abundant. For FREE. Because of His sacrifice. His payment of our debt. His defending US. An outward, obvious, undeniable display of love and affection for His people.

His way of going above and beyond to show His love for His bride-it tops them all. :)

HE IS THE ULTIMATE ROMANTIC!

He seeks hearts.
He pursues lives.
He heals brokenness and redeems the sinner.
He beckons the wanderer.
He loves times infinity. :)
He is always available.
He listens to our every word.
He restores.
He comforts.
He actually does know what I'm thinking. :)
He is my portion: what I need, when I need it.
He will never stop loving me.
He sings, rejoices, dances over me.
He knows all of my days.

Eliza Meier photography :)

2008-10-19T20:05:00.005-04:00

Fail

2008-10-16T11:22:00.001-04:00

Sale fail. :)

Recommendation

2008-10-10T00:23:00.007-04:00

Still loving this cd!!!

Most of you (yes, all two of you) are already listening to it.
The songs are incredible. The stories of the songs are equally incredible.

http://newlifeworship.com/cog.jsp

It's the little things...

2008-10-02T15:01:00.004-04:00

So I bought some Aussie shampoo and conditioner today. I always read the descriptions on the back of shampoo bottles, even though my hair stylist friends say none of the non-salon products do what they claim to do, and they all contain basically the same dulling, wax coating ingredients. Never the less, I read before buying, to see what these products claimed to do.

I giggled at the phrases on these bottles.....reminded me of Coca-Colas Vitamin water bottle flavor descriptions. Also giggle worthy.

Aussie Volume Shampoo:

Directions: Apply to wet hair and work it like you want it. Then rinse it like you don't.

Aussie Moist Conditioner:

So your hair walks into a bar and says, "I'm parched! Pleeeease give my hair a drink to quench its thirst!" "Right away," says the tender as he slides the Moist Conditioner accented with Aloe and Jojoba Oil. It's not funny, but it works.

Directions: Try to contain your laughter. Work conditioner through clean, damp hair. Rinse and commence laughter.

Overused...

2008-09-30T15:18:00.002-04:00

Phrases I overuse right now:

Really?!
Oh my goodness.
NICE.
I dunno.
No se. (I dunno, in Spanish)
Yikes.
I mean...
Welp.

Double dose

2008-09-26T12:36:00.006-04:00

Yep. Two blogs in one day. One for fun. One for speculation.

So Eliza (my roommate and friend) wrote a blog today about politics....mainly, she quoted an article titled, "How could a Christian vote Democrat?", written by a man named Keith Drury. Don't know Keith, but he had some good stuff to say. Challenged me, and so I thought I'd pass along the challenge (link below). You are probably better at staying on top of political issues than me, so if you find yourself bored, move down to my previous blog, and hopefully have a laugh instead.

Disclaimers:
1. I understand terms like "vote democrat" and "vote republican" are a bit narrow and limiting; voting the person, not the party, is something I can roll with.
2. I still, regardless of moral issues, economy issues, environment, education, or tax issues....I still believe that people ultimately vote for the candidate they think will keep them the safest.

http://www.drurywriting.com/keith/democ.htm

Dave Barnes

2008-09-26T11:52:00.005-04:00

....is hilarious!

Last year, some videos he posted on the internet circled around, and this one is my favorite. It's about Valentine's Day...and even though Valentine's Day is nowhere in sight, I saw a street sign yesterday, "Ballentine Road", and I immediately thought of his video. Because, "We all need thun help thuntines." :)

When I cannot keep myself...

2008-09-25T15:10:00.003-04:00

ShOuT oUt!

God is always in saving and redeeming mode!
I'm so grateful that His saving grace was not just a small dot on the timeline of my life.
It's a continual, active saving. Just like God was, is, and is to come, He saved, is saving, and will save!

So many times, God saves us from ourselves.
I was reminded of this last weekend during Worship Conference 08 (props to Stephen for an amazing job!)...

I've been rocking Jared Anderson for a bit- even pre-worship conference-and with this idea of being saved from myself, I've loved, even more, the lyrics to this song:

"Brighter"

Chorus:

And I can’t live without it
No, I can’t live without it
Your love it carries me…

And You keep me, when I cannot keep control
And You see me, when I need someone to know
And You answer all my questions
When I’m so afraid to ask
Now my future's so much brighter than my past

just something about it...

2008-09-19T15:13:00.003-04:00

there's just something about some things.
like....

there's just something about a good night's rest.
the name of Jesus.
a cool shower after a day in the sun at the beach.
the smell of a christmas candle.
a sincere hug.
a surprise.
that special look from an admirer.
opening the windows in your house.
the smell of clean laundry.
the sound of wind chimes.
a great song that is just right for your range.
laughing until you cry.
crying because of good things.

for me, there's just something about the FALL season.
i love it. i love the breeze, the time of year...

this season sparks so many memories:
the coming of cold football friday nights, boiled peanuts, hot chocolate, the drums and the band marching onto the field.
i remember coming home from school on these afternoons and wanting to read in the hammock. i didn't even like to read that much. i just enjoyed the serenity of the experience.
i remember still enjoying school because the year was still new. the routine wasn't old. i still did my homework and felt good about my efforts. :)
i also remember looking forward to the holidays- thanksgiving, christmas....and all the great things that they'd bring.

there's just something this season does for me, that the others will never be able to do. i like them for what they have to offer. but i will always love this one the best.

it calms my spirit and reminds me of the reasons to love life and love the giver of it.
just does.

what's your favorite season?

Walmart (((star)))

2008-09-08T16:30:00.004-04:00

So...Walmart:

1. Thank you for the new "child sized" sink. For my future child....who will be able to better reach the sink to wash his/her hands. Thanks for the curvy design of the sink countertops. That makes for a better.....all around....bathroom experience?!

(I actually took a picture of this newly designed sink, with my phone. But I don't know how to send pics from my phone to my blog. The pictures are stuck in la-la land when I "send to blog". Anybody know how to help? Thanks.)

2. You are not only spending money to update your bathrooms. You spend lots of money on employees. Too much, maybe. The past two times I've come into your store, I've encountered employees walking around talking on their cell phones....disturbingly, these employees weren't crouching behind some piece of furniture, or hiding in the...tire aisle? Nahh. They were out in the open...just chatting it up...like inbetween the boys' clothes and the grocery store part. In plain view.

3. How is it that you can afford cool new sinks, and too many employees to manage, but you aren't able to provide health benefits to like 775,000 of your employees (according to a recent report I saw on TV)..??

I'm a little disturbed.

WAY better, God. Thanks.

2008-08-20T14:38:00.006-04:00

"God is not ordinary."

I've been clinging to this truth ever since Mac spoke it to our youth back in the spring of this year. I wish I could remember his scripture passage--but I can't. I just know the truth I took from his message: "God is not ordinary".

I turned it into my little facebook "about me". I've left it up for a good while. It's been applicable to my entire life. To every detail.

God is not ordinary, and so what I think is good and right, may not really be so. His good and right may be unordinary, and way more beautiful. :)

I want to love His way in my life.

My heart's cry,-- over this past year or so, in the middle of not really loving my job, feeling restrained and in a rut, wishing I could know confidently what I'm best at, and develop that into something excellent and do so with passion--my heart's cry has been, God, do what YOU will do. I will take practical steps, make plans, pray about them!, set forth a path, walk it, try things, but please never let me miss you in the middle of it all. In fact, let me understand and follow your heart, no matter where it takes me or what the process may need to look like and feel like. No matter if it does or doesn't match up with the plan in my head.

I just want to praise God for how he is leading me, for where he has taken me, and for where he is taking me. I'm kind of echoing my "Hurricane" blog, but I truly am grateful for God closing doors, opening them, providing neat friendships along the way, not minus a few growing pains. :) I mean, He really is a God of DETAIL. He knows his creation from the inside out and knows how to speak to us, as unique individuals, and as dearly loved children. He knows how to get my attention and for his gentle hand and Spirit, turning my head to him, lifting my face to his, I am forever grateful.

My friend Alex says it like this, "God is too good in letting you know what's up sometimes."

He truly is. It's beautiful.

my one true love

2008-08-18T23:11:00.001-04:00

God, thank you for MUSIC!!!!!!!! :)

Without it, I'm not sure my soul would understand itself.

i don't know, john...

2008-08-09T01:27:00.004-04:00

Ever since John Mayer came out with the song, "Say what you need to say", I loved it, sang along with it, and supported the campaign for having discussions rather than avoiding them.

But sometimes, in situations, I think....."This is not a good time to blurt out what I'm thinking. It might not make sense to the person listening. I might not be able to put to words what I'm feeling." OR..."I'll wait until a better time." There's also the thought that, while getting things said is valuable and o.k., it isn't always beneficial or necessary. Sometimes, if you can control your "mysterious" factors, you should. Leave room for curiosity and wonder. Mysteries and secrets (the good kind) are enchanting and luring.

So I think John is right. But the line, "It's better to say too much, than never to say anything at all..." cannot be applied to all situations. It just can't.

I'm learning to control what I say so as not to be one of those super complex and too-verbal people that nobody wants to handle. Also, I want to be mindful of what I'm saying, and if it really matters to whom I'm saying it.

Words carry power. What will you do with yours?

Turning over a new leaf

2008-08-06T00:00:00.004-04:00

Cliche. But true. The best way I know how to describe it is that I've been in this hurricane....small, but a hurricane to me, none the less. And God has decided to let me out of it. And he didn't just toss me out all rough like. He landed me gently. In a place of provision and peace, and surprises. I am overwhelmed with how he makes our journey beautiful in ways we actually cannot. :)I've been praising Him despite circumstances, but sometimes, when God works through circumstances, it is something to be thankful for, and that's where I am. Taken aback. Loving it. Loving Him.

"I need a hurricane
To empty out this place
Seems it's the only way
To salvage any sense I have left
To move on

I need a hurricane
To straighten out this place
It maybe the only way
To salvage any sense I have left
To move on"

-Mindy Smith

Some beach

2008-07-31T01:09:00.004-04:00

So I haven't been to the beach this summer. It's a little weird. Did I go last summer? Hm. I went last fall. And the previous spring break. :) But I have not gone this summer. It's actually really sad that I'm kind of ok with it. As much as I love the beach, I know if I were to go at this point, it would be for just a day, which would mean driving home all sandy, sticky, stiNky, and sunscreeny.

Anybody up for a day trip to Charleston, though? I just got paid. :) And sadly, shopping and eating sounds more fun than the above option. At least for now.

Kidding. Kind of.

cuz you got that Holy Spirit dwelling inside yo carcass

2008-07-20T22:41:00.005-04:00

ok. so VBS on Broad Street is this week for our youth. we are all pumped about working with some street smart, but tender hearted kids from a few poorer areas in beautiful augusta. as matt papa says, "your name, your renown, all over town, all over this world, YOUR kingdom come".

one of our homework assignments, as participants, was to learn the song "represent (get crunk!)" by lacrae so we can do it up every day as our VBS theme song!! so tight! i love attempting to be culturally relevant. yes, it is possibly at most, an attempt. but still. i like it.

lucky for me, somebody somewhere knew that i would need to learn this song, so they made a youtube video of it, with all the words in the right spots. in case you want to represent, and get a little crunk yourself, check it out. you can't not do a little shoulder shake and finger snap- you know, when you dip your head down, then look up in one direction... you just can't. (can't not, that is)

because of gas prices...

2008-07-15T16:16:00.004-04:00

i did something today i didn't think i would ever do.
first, let me explain.

i'm grocery shopping at the super walmart. definitely trying to be thrifty minded, knowing that i should try to stretch my money as much as i can these days. not only are gas prices high, but my funds are running low, and will soon run out, and i'm not sure what kind of salary will be replacing my current one. it's not easy for me, but i'm trying to keep my savings in my savings, and be careful with the rest.

ok. so walking up and down the aisle, i'm wondering which items i can "skimp" on. like, buy the offbrand, and be ok.

laundry detergent? i smelled a few. even the walmart brand, with daisies on the bottle. nope. not gonna work out. gain it is. tropical breeze this time instead of joyful expressions.

yogurt? no. i only like one kind. texture is a BIG deal. next.

juice? sure. i got tropicana fruit punch, light, for about $2. feeling good.

toilet paper? hmm. is it worth running the risk of having toilet paper issues? i wasn't sure, but when i skimmed the options, i found a 6-pack for $1.49. i mean, they weren't double rolled, they weren't ultra soft, and they definitely were not name brand. but the package had words like "2 ply soft" and "absorbant" written on it. i decided, yes. let's try it. $3 for 12 rolls is a steal. right?

so i feel dang good about my skimps today.

i've even thought about coupon clipping and making a whole hobby out of this.

maybe not.

inner circle

2008-07-07T11:22:00.003-04:00

what are the people in your "inner circle" like? those closest to you, the ones you prefer and who know you deeply? not your acquaintances. not your friends' friends. but your good friends. the ones who stir up emotion in you and bring out your best.

i was emailing my friend alex this morning, reflecting on my college experience and why i was/am drawn to certain people and why i value certain relationships. by the way, i'm convinced that my experience at GCSU wasn't for my degree, but rather the relationships that were formed and still remain. :)

i came to the conclusion that i am most drawn to people who:

i can connect with. who i can find common ground with.
are complex emotionally.
don't always follow the rules.
own their faith and live it.
have life experiences and God encounters that give them foundation for their opinions and convictions.
love others.
listen well.
display emotion.
bring out the inner child in me.
cause me to want to live better and more purposefully.
remind me of my normalcy and beauty in who God made me.
verbalize their thoughts.
don't always agree with me.
are passionate about something, at least one thing.
smile a lot.
laugh a lot.
don't take themselves, or life, too seriously.
don't make quick assumptions about others.
analyze.
embrace change and new perspectives.
love the word of God and speak it into my life.

what kinds of things draw you to other people? some of my reasons are more about me and what people do for me or to me rather than the actual person. but it's because of who they are that they affect me in such ways. we need each other to thrive in who we are as individuals. God made us that way. the body.

ps...

2008-06-29T23:45:00.006-04:00

on a much lighter note than below, i am totally into "so you think you can dance" this season. somehow i missed out on this deal up until now.

here's one of my favorites I found while searching youtube. it's from an old season.

changes

2008-06-29T23:31:00.006-04:00

so i made some changes to this page. why do i love details soo much?

i am determined to be techno-savvy. if i want to pursue this whole design/art/graphics thing, i have to be self motivated and determined. maybe i could just be an art teacher? that's a solution, and cheap. $200 for the GA certification test for Art Ed. too bad the next test date is July something....and the earliest date for receiving scores is September 22. hm. can't teach art, for now.

but really, i want to be good at layouts, editing photos, coming up with original ideas....creating something....a visual product. i guess i was hoping to magically be good at all of that? with no classes....no technology purchases...? can i start college over?

eesh. today was one where my wheels turned too much and i thought of like 8 ideas for what i could try to do next, but there was no resolve.
goal for this week: i want a complete day to go by where i'm not consumed for at least two hours with job searches on the internet and resume editing. ew.

i need the Lord to help my unbelief, skepticism, and fear. help my faith. God teach me to trust and pray so that you can come through for me. this mess is beautiful to you and already taking shape in your hands. thank you for your steady work. you never slumber. your love doesn't grow tired.

she's a brick

2008-06-29T01:00:00.004-04:00

so tonight was a fun saturday night. my friend jordan and i took too many pictures on this brick wall. i discovered picasa and its wonders. we cruised broad street jamming to old kelly clarkson hits and the prince of egypt soundtrack. :) to wind down our adventures, we decided to get a piece of "perfect chocolate cake" from the boll weevil -to go-, and rented "the other boleyn girl". it was intense and scandalous. i am thankful that arranged marriages are a part of history. umm....and jordan vaccummed up a spider. it was alive. was.

i love commercials

2008-06-24T00:02:00.005-04:00

saw two commercials today that caught my attention.

1st: the one about americans going to japan to be on a japanese game show....it's airing tomorrow: "i survived a japanese gameshow"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMvSMHHM3qw&feature=related

if you've never seen clips from an actual japanese game show, go to youtube and type in "human tetris" and also, "mxc surfboard of death"....those are just a few clips of the amazing ideas the japanese have come up with. pretty brilliant and hilarious. thanks ruel.

2nd: the one about these new snacks, made to taste like kraft macaroni and cheese....?!

sick.

God's love

2008-06-22T20:37:00.004-04:00

please read "the shack" (william young). i am passing along a recommendation, from a recommendation, from a recommendation. it's crazy how this book has circled among my friends and how it has sparked some really neat and unscripted conversation about God, the trinity, his deep love for his children, and the freedom he desires for us in pure, honest relationship with him.

enjoy it for what it is.

next on my list: crazy love, by frances chan. i heard him speak for the first time at passion 08 in atlanta. he was refreshing and passionate, and i had to check out his website, and eventually buy his book. he's onto the idea (also an underlying theme in the shack...) that instead of trying to attain godly disciplines to please the Father and to know him more, that if we fall madly in love with Jesus, our whole approach will change. the whole relationship rather than religion thing, which also isn't a new idea. :) but i'm excited about the read. i'll give my thoughts.

http://www.crazylovebook.com/

why we love

2008-06-10T12:24:00.003-04:00

so i was watching "the bachelorette" last night. yes, i'm one of those. anyway, the current bachelorette, deanna, got in a tizzy one afternoon because the guys were playing and hanging out with each other more than they were attending to her. one guy was pouting inside because he was so nervous about his date with her that night. another guy had already ticked her off because he refused a kiss that she asked for. deanna sat all the men down, and scolded them for being selfish. she told them to go home if they didn't want to be there, if they weren't there for her.

in a discussion with my sister and friends, we decided the deanna was bent more towards the men who went out of their way to show her attention. in the songwriting, singing contest, she chose as a winner the guy who touched her hand while he sang to her. as far as the rose ceremony goes, she kicked off the guys (with the exception of one) who weren't going out of their way to be different, to show her that they were unique and that she was special.

deanna isn't necessarily wrong in these choices. maybe her little spat was a bit much. but it didn't take the guys long to figure out why she was mad. they realized it was because they were too wrapped up in each other, and not giving her enough attention.

it's funny....how we tend to love people who love us first.

i think this is our human nature. i know it's mine. it's even in the bible- our love for God is -originally- a response to His love for us.

while we all know that loving without knowing we'll be loved in return is a risk worth taking, i wonder how often people end up loving somebody just because they are certain the love will be returned. they are in a safe relationship, that they chose, because they knew what the outcome would be. i wonder if people sometimes lend their affections to people who simply offer a little bit of their own first at no cost and without asking for it in return.

are we really just selfish lovers, who love so we can be loved?

i wanna be an unselfish lover. it's not in me. i need help with it.

"It [love] is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."
1 Corinthians 13:5

starting off

2008-06-06T20:20:00.002-04:00

so i'm not sure if i think blogs are really that cool. or necessary. but i do lots of things, and enjoy lots, that aren't at all necessary. and that probably aren't cool. anyway, i'm gonna give it a shot. just like we all did with facebook when it was a little new and weird....and some of us with myspace, as well. all dis mess. i definitely like to write and read what other people write, so it should be fun. :)

i just got home from IMPACT, a Christian leadership camp in Toccoa. it was amazing, as usual, and the Lord used a lot of people in some really neat ways to minister to high school students from all over the state. something that was really tight (a word that i overuse, and is probably old school.....i am aware....but love it anyway) was that Mike, our speaker, really gets it. my heart was overjoyed when i heard him speaking to students that our generation has a task- a task that hasn't necessarily been modeled for them in the church-- but a task of loving the people around them so much that Christ is undeniable, and that people start giving church a chance again. Mike challenged them with the whole "let's get our hands dirty" talk...an idea that i think our generation has embraced for a while, and many churches have also embraced. the pendulum has swung back and forth many times, i'm sure- there is nothing new under the sun-but i like where it's swinging now. i like that these teenagers are really accepting others and loving others in their differences. they will be effective in ways that will look new (sadly) to so many Christians and non-Christians. it will be powerful. it already is powerful.

my summer so far started with camp, and so i haven't quite had a day to myself yet. this summer will be spent figuring out what's next. ahg. i have no idea... and am learning to be ok with that, while at the same time, hoping to take some practical steps to make SOMEthing happen in the next few months....something hopefully that I will enjoy more so than teaching. i'm still trying to enjoy the journey and not be anxious about bills, saving money, medical insurance, and roommates. my heart is set on being atlanta bound....but who knows. i don't want to "write" it down in my mind and then get mad when i have to erase it. so i'm trying to be as open as i can to what God might take me to next. i love that matt papa and his band have written some amazing songs that are very missional and about going where God leads- giving up the american dream, offering up our lives as living sacrifices. that's what I want to do. i need His help.

i think blogs are supposed to be shorter than this one, and a little lighter. i'll try to do better. not that i can even predict who will read this among my friends and...semi-friends (the internet ones...) ha.

i'm going to go spray some more ants, because they took over my house when i was at camp.